“Arby’s is frequently a subject of people’s fast food jokes. For most, the chain is used as a punch line because they hate it. Not for me. I eat there. I eat there all the time. I eat there so much, some employees know me by name: Eric. My name isn’t Eric. No one at Arby’s knows that, however. When they ask my name for the order, I just tell them that to avoid having to spell out my actual name, and now I’ve inadvertently created the world’s saddest secret identity.

Of course, my double life allows a freedom I didn’t have when I wrote this tweet: even more disregard for Arby’s employees’ opinions of my orders. Because they aren’t mine. They’re Eric’s. I have so many regrets.”

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